'Twas The Night Before Christmas

A Charmingly Polluted Version

Dear Readers,

First, it is indeed the Eve of Christmas, and as such, I wish you all a joyous and family-focused holiday. This year I find myself particularly grateful for the friends and family I have around me. One of these dear friends ended up reaching out via my son Gavin, to share with me a most light-hearted and inventive version of a holiday classic that I wish to pass along to all of you tonight...

Without further ado, I hope you enjoy his rendition of The Night Before Christmas:

‘Twas the night before Christmas in old Spencer, Mass,

It was 14 below and it’s freezing my ass.

I looked at the clock and it’s quarter past three,

And I gotta get up and go take a pee.

So I went out in the yard and heard such a clatter,

I looked out the window to see what’s the matter.

And the moon on the crest of the new fallen snow,

Gave me witness to what’s going on down below.

What I saw was two clowns dressed in Santa Claus suits,

And I knew in an instant they were both in cahoots.

They went to my garage and threw open the door,

And I knew they were here to steal my snow blower.

So I got the 12 gauge and I loaded some fours,

I put on my boots and I slipped out the door.

In stealthy fashion, I crept cross’ the yard,

And then I stood up, and hollered real hard.

Give it up, you clowns, now cease and desist,

But it became quite apparent they chose to resist.

Well, one of them jerked up a Colt .44,

But the pistol didn’t fire, it was froze to the core.

Well, I lined up the 12 and I touched off a shot,

And both of them folded dead on the spot.

So I went in the house and I dialed 911,

And I told the dispatcher just what I had done.

All the cops showed up so lively and quick,

That I thought for a moment it was old St. Nick.

And as I watched in wonder, the perps weren’t dead,

It slipped on the ice and they both whacked their heads.

So the cops cut them off and drove off in the night,

Shouting Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Then I ran in the house just as fast as could be,

Because through it all, I still had to pee.

- BB